


Alone

by lostinbl



Series: Davenzi prompts [1]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Angsty Matteo, Davenzi, Depression, Gay Male Character, Heavy Angst, M/M, References to Depression, Teen Angst, sad matteo, what i wrote to cope with hell week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 12:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18604936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinbl/pseuds/lostinbl
Summary: Alone.Yes, he truly is alone.--------Or where Matteo is depressed and sad in his bed.





	Alone

Matteo lies in his bed, tucked tightly inside his duvet, still wearing the clothes he wore that day. The clothes he wore on Friday.

Friday, when his entire world crumbled, once again.

Matteo doesn’t know how long he has stayed in his bed like this, in this exact spot, just looking at the wall all while seeing nothing.

He hasn’t felt anything light, anything even slightly positive, not after that message. After the thought that had continuously hunted him was confirmed. After what he had always feared turned out to be true.

Ever since then he’s been inside a heavy, suffocating cloud of all things bad. His thoughts keep him awake and he hasn’t slept in days. How could he, when the demons in his head are screaming so loudly? How could he, when his thoughts are constantly mocking him, telling him how it’s no wonder David pulled away, how he doesn’t deserve to be loved, how he was always meant to be alone, how no one could ever care for him? So, no, he hasn’t slept.

Matteo’s not sure he’ll ever be able to sleep again. He’s not sure the voices will ever stop screaming. He’s not sure his fears will ever loosen their grip enough to let him relax.

He’s not sure he’ll ever feel joy again.

Matteo’s lying there in silence, trying to block out the sounds carrying from the living room. He’s not sure how long he has stayed in his room. He hasn’t unlocked the door, not once. He has been there inside his silent room with his loud, screaming thoughts and everyone has let him.

Matteo wishes he could listen to music. But he can’t. How could he, when the first note of every song reminds him of the one person he desperately wishes to forget? Matteo’s eyes focus on the jacket laying on the floor and the broken phone peeking out from the pocket. He’s not sure the device works anymore. But he doesn’t care. He has no reason to contact anyone anymore, in fact, he doesn’t want anyone to contact him. It’s easier this way. At least this way, he’s alone.

_Alone._

Yes, he truly is alone.

Matteo hates being alone and yet there is a part of him that enjoys it, a part that takes some sort of cruel twisted pleasure in it. Because he deserves to be alone. He should be alone. Of course he’s alone, how could he not be?

And then Matteo hears noises from outside of his door. Panic starts growing inside of him like an expanding balloon. It expands until it fills every single part of his body and then it stops and stays there as a massive weight, just waiting to be popped. And as Matteo hears the first knock on his door, the balloon does just that: it explodes. It explodes and fear and panic and sorrow consume Matteo. The words he shared with Hans echo in his mind and Matteo starts trembling, shaking. His tears are spilling over before he even realizes that he’s crying.

_Please go away, please!_

_I can’t do this please leave me alone please please please.._

Matteo begs desperately as he shuts his eyes and traps his bedding inside his fists, holding on to it desperately to keep himself grounded. Matteo’s heart starts hammering in his chest as a sob escapes his lips. He presses his face against his pillow to muffle the sound. The walls start closing in on him and he can’t breathe.

After Hans’ concerned voice fades away, it takes Matteo another hour to remember how to consume oxygen. Once he does, he feels beyond exhausted but of course, he can’t sleep. So he goes back to doing the one thing he most definitely shouldn’t do: he goes back to thinking.

And once again, he starts blaming himself.

It’s Matteo’s fault that David pulled away, of course it is.

Why did he kiss him there in the park, how could he be so stupid?! Why did he go to David’s house looking for him, why, why, why did he do that? Why did he flirt so openly, why did he show his affection, why did he pressure David into liking him back?! Why did he date Sara oh god why did he leave Sara like that? Why was he so thoughtless, why did he choose David, how could he choose David, why couldn’t he like Sara? Of course David would pull away, of course he doesn’t like Matteo, he’s the weird one here, he’s the screw-up, it’s all his fault, his fault, everything’s his fault.

He deserves this. This numbing, cruciating pain scorching every single part of his body. These waves of shame, confusion and sadness continuously flowing over him. This pressure that makes it hard for him to breathe, this pressure that immobilizes him. These thoughts that keep pushing him deeper and deeper into the darkness.

He deserves it all.

_He deserves to be alone._

**Author's Note:**

> A prompt I did at @lostinbl tumblr, link to the original [post](https://lostinbl.tumblr.com/post/184160895156/alone)
> 
> Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment :)


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